Sometimes I feel like life is a constant uphill battle. I
hate these geographic metaphors. It’s not like I’m going uphill both ways in
ten feet of snow or anything. I’m just pushing. And, I’m going to keep at it. I
can be persistent. I will succeed.
Succeed at what; you may ask? Well dear reader: Life.
Simply, life. I’m just going to choose to drop all these hill, valley,
mountain, molehill references and start looking at it like a scale. There is
always room for grey area but my scale just needs to be tipped and I’m going to
start loading down one side of that scale until I reach the all-important 51%
and then… well; “it’s all downhill from there.” Damn it!
For me this is going to involve the creation of a whole big
pile of Truth. I’ve probably run from it for more than a thousand years and I’ve
used the opposite approach for most of that time. Lie here, lie there and then
I have what I like to call a Self. Now obviously I’m not talking about the, ‘no,
I didn’t drink the last of the milk’ type lies here. I’m referring to the type
that I’ve used to tell myself who it is that I am and what makes up ‘me.’
Have you ever sat down and thought about all the lies that
make up you? There are a ton of truths in there too, but don’t kid yourself, if
we were made up of all truths, then we’d all be masters and none of this would
be necessary. Sit in front of a mirror sometime and really look. That self-conscious
feeling you get is not just from your greying hair and expanding forehead; it’s
what’s inside. You know that a lot of that ‘self’ in there is made up of
bullshit.
There is only one way to get rid of this. Truth and Forgiveness.
I’m starting with truth since I’ve recently learned that forgiveness is a lot
tougher. I was going to take my house of lies, light a match, set it ablaze and
walk away with Metallica blaring in the background as it all came crashing
down. I was going to be so free and well on my way to a life of truth while the
ashes of lies blew in the wind. But alas dear reader, this could never be a
reality. We must take our lies, like bricks of this house and carry them to the
sea and then toss them in. The house must be torn down and rebuilt. I hate
manual labor.
For every brick I toss into the sea I have forgiven myself
one lie. For every truth I instill in myself I can place one brick on the
scale. I just need to get to 51%. Once there I can tip the scale and start to
easily heap on more and more truths as I toss off more and more lies with
forgiveness. Pick up a brick, forgive myself for creating it and toss it into
the sea. Tell myself the truth, rejoice in the pure love of God that is Truth,
instill it in myself and place it on the scale.
This might sound repetitive to you, but that’s how it’s got
to happen if this is going to work. Practice Love and Forgiveness, replace Lies
with Truth.
If I lost you in all that brick, scale, sea, house stuff;
sorry. This was just a free flow writing.
1 comment:
Every once in a while I look in the mirror and see nothing but shame. Why? Because, as you said, the perception of me (both internal and external) is built upon a preponderance of lies. It is tough to change and I am often unwilling to even try: You don't want anyone to see you carrying those bricks to the ocean.
Thanks for writing this.
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