Ignore the Exit Ramp!

I love a good Road Trip. I like "zoning out" on the open highway and just letting two lanes of asphalt zip under my car as I just relax into my seat. I have the ability to drive for hours without even listening to music or an audio book. Just drive man; just drive.
However, every now and then, I will get the urge to pee or need to eat. Then, I start looking for an exit ramp. Gas. Food. Clean restrooms. I have criteria for my exit choices because usually CC is with me and I want her to have those things. (I rarely succeed in the last criteria as if it's some kind of curse of the road and CC's bladder.) If it were just me then any place would do. Greasy food? Dr. Pepper? Peanut M&M's? Sold!

Is that how our relationships go too?
Oh wow this trip is long, my tolerance for this seat has reached it's max, I'm uncomfortable, we're having to talk to one another a lot, sure could use a break... oh look! A Dairy Queen! See ya!
Where I'm going with this is, our relationships may start off as an enjoyable trip with one another, but sometimes one or both of you will feel the need to take a break. Not like separation from one another or 'breaking up' but more of an emotional break. You'll kind of take your own exit and go do your own thing for a bit. You stop 'being' in the car. You take an emotional break. You cut off that path to intimacy by not sharing or not being open because... well, it's hard! Sure it's hard. But, the only way to get through that is to stay on the highway and get where you're going. You have to be your own strict parent and proclaim, 'There will be no stopping until we get there! So you best hold it!'

That road trip metaphor went on for a bit too long there. What I'm getting at here is this: We're all on a journey. Some of us have chosen to take this journey with a partner and we call that a relationship. And on this journey there will be times when there are opportunities to 'take a break' or an exit. You have to ignore those and stay on the journey. It may be hard to consistently stay on the road and keep your foot on the gas pressing forward. But that's the path you've chosen and there is no going back now. If you're making the commitment to intimacy then you have to be intimate. If your making the commitment to openness then you have to be open. If you know that honesty and  emotional expression are the keys to lead you to find yourself then that's where you have to go. No time for ice cream stops. No time for fireworks stands and peach cider. Fasten your seat belt and keep your eyes on the road!

"Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts." -Charles Dickens

I can count on one hand how many times I've cried in the past 5+ years. Over FIVE years that I can recall; less than a handful of times. Two of those were within the last week. People say it's fucking cathartic. I think the emotional release is great, but the tears... Dear God! What? My eyes burn, my chest hurts, I get all snotty. How is that at all a good thing?

A lot of tears could be saved if we all just communicated a bit better with one another. If we just understood one another more. If we were just more open and honest. So there. World problems solved. You can all go home now.

Imagine if you can a picture that you painted back in elementary school. You were 7. Now you're 30. You've looked at this picture that your parents framed and put on the wall your whole life. It looks a bit abstract, but you love it. You're so attached to it. It's always been there. You have it on the wall of your apartment and one day your girlfriend or boyfriend looks at it and goes, 'What the hell is that? I mean really, it looks so dumb. You made that? Really? God it looks so... dumb.'
Now,  you know that this art doesn't represent you but you created it. You've always had it and you've always loved it. It's been there for so long that you've grown to identify with it and then here comes this person whom you also love telling you that this thing sucks! What the hell man!?

I've gone though a lot over the past couple of years since returning to America from overseas. It hasn't been horrible by any means, but there has been a good bit of change for me. And over this time I've been anchored to one person, a loving partner whom I've grown to respect and appreciate for all that she does for me and for us. About two years ago I was going to bed one night and she was already asleep. I remember getting into bed and she woke up for just a second and I looked down and was just overwhelmed with gratitude that she was there. Overwhelmed. I looked down, smiled at her, gave her a quick kiss on the head and she went back to sleep. And, from that night until last night I have smiled at her every night before I go to bed and reminded myself how lucky I am that she's there. No matter what else is going on, no matter if I'm sick, tired, hurting, happy, or sad, she is there and I am so lucky.
Today, she told me that my smile before we go to bed is awkward, seemed forced, and out of place. Bang. Crash. Burn. Cue the tears.

Now, this happened because she had no idea why I was smiling at her. She would be going to bed either upset, thinking I was upset, feeling disconnected, feeling alone, feeling no intimacy and there's this guy looking over at her ginning like an idiot. So of course she would feel like it was forced (or fake) most of the time.  But MAN, when she said that, I thought my whole world had dropped out from under me. Wow. And then it opened up. I realized that I had been forcing that smile a lot of the time. Not that my gratitude for her being my partner was any less, but my true emotions in the moment weren't always there.  I didn't need to smile at her like some routine reaction to remind myself how lucky I am that she's in my life and sometimes I didn't need to be smiling at all. Maybe sometime I needed to acknowledge how I was feeling and go to bed sad, angry, upset or alone.

A lot of my problems with intimacy have come from ignoring or not acknowledging how I'm really feeling. 'It's not ok to be sad. It's not ok to be angry.' Um... yes it is. In fact, fuck you, I'm sad. There. Deal with it. I'm being honest. Part of my metaphor about the road trip from above comes back here. Be sad. Be angry. Be happy! Just be where you are, be honest about it and stick with that plan. Don't exit off to 'everything is ok' land. No it's not. Shit is fucked up! (Now if that last sentence doesn't win my a Pulitzer one day I don't know what will.)

Be honest with yourself. Start with that. Stick with that.

Tune in next time when we learn how to walk though a door without it being awkward.