We've all heard this. We've all said it to someone at some point. It's a cliche. It's also true. That's how sayings become cliche is they keep hitting you over the head with some truth until you lose the trees in the forest. You see there are really two parts to this phrase...
One, don't judge. That's "easy" enough. Good luck on your daily journey through your life without judging. Really, try that. Go a day without judging. I think the longest I made it was about 10 minutes. Now, I kept correcting and kept seeing other people and myself in different ways, but not judging; really hard.
The second part here is walking a mile in his shoes. This is the part that I struggle with even more sometimes. This refers to something we call empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of others.
Whoa! Hold on. I have my shoes, you have yours right? My feet stink, your feet stink, let's not go around putting our feet in each others shoes OK? But what this is saying is simply, in order for you to share your thoughts, feelings, emotions, struggles, successes, and failures with me, you have to honestly believe that I am willing and able to understand those feelings with you. Willing. Easy enough. Love your neighbor, partner, brother, or whoever and you're more than likely willing to share in their feelings with them. That's part of love. Able. Weeeeeell this is where practice is required.
Being able to empathize with someone means you have to have to ability to not only acknowledge your own emotions but relate those emotions to the experiences of others. What? You mean you hurt too? I feel sad. You feel sad too? You're confused about your emotions and your feelings? Me too! If only it were that simple. You see dear reader, the problem for me here comes in the first part of this equation. First, I must recognize and acknowledge those emotions within myself. Yes, I feel sad. Yes, I feel angry. Yes, I feel guilty. No, these things do not make me a terrible person.
I can listen to CC all day long. Our foster dog can listen to her all day long. There isn't much of a difference there. The only thing that separates me from the dog (aside from my thumbs) is my ability to have a shared experience and to empathize with her. What I have to be able to do is to not only hear the words shes saying but to have the ability to feel the emotions shes saying them with. I have to feel what shes saying.
Intimacy: Close familiarity, closeness. What is more familiar than seeing, hearing, and experiencing your own emotions in others? Empathy as a path to intimacy.
Don't judge yourself too harshly for the inverse or lack of empathy that you're used to. This will take practice. This will take self-examination and forgiveness. I am not cold. I am not unempathetic. I am a man who has yet to fully realize and acknowledge his own emotions so therefore I am unable to understand and share the feelings of others. Willingness here will come in the form of practice. Ability will come as a result of that practice.
I am empathetic. I am willing to listen, to hear, to share, to understand. We are all here together. We are all having an experience. Today is the only part of that experience that matters. Don't throw on my shoes and go walk a mile. Just try them on and take a step. Start with that.
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