Sitting Quietly

I decided last week to give something a try that I haven't ever really done before. Meditating. Now, I've meditated before, but not as a practice. Every now and then I'd sit quietly and try to... well, sit quietly. Try to turn that running dialogue off in my mind and just listen. However, I came to realize that doing that was a lot harder than you may think. I'd sit for a few minutes before I got comfortable and then... thoughts, lots of them. And, I'd find that after a few more minutes that I'd be thinking about what I normally think about: work, relationships, books, baseball trades I'd like to see made... wait what? What you are thinking about? I thought I was supposed to be thinking about nothing!?

I started a few weeks ago doing some guided meditations. Those are nice as long as the subject matter matches up with what you're looking for, but I found that sometimes the presenter would be saying things like, 'you're feeling really sad and you need to just relax and...' then, I would find myself facing sadness rather than the good mood I was in before I started. Well that's not cool! That's not what I came here for. But that led to the question of, what did you come here for? What's the point of meditating?

That's when I decided to get away from having a "goal" for my meditations. I wasn't going into it with an idea of what I wanted to "happen" or "feel" anymore. That's when I decided to take a week and meditate everyday rather then just every now and then when I 'found time' to do so.

Now there are probably a million blogs out there that will tell you 'how to meditate' and that's not what I'm here for dear reader. I'm just here to tell you about my experience over this one week of my life and what I learned. Last Sunday, as you may have seen in the post below this one, I went to the beach to sit quietly and kick off my week of practice. It was awesome but I realized that this practice was not going to be easy for me. I have over the past few months been trying to listen. Just listen. Listen for what's right in my life, listen for signs of where my fears reside, and listen for love. Just listen. In order to do that, I needed to be able to 'quiet' a mind that was very very busy a good deal of the time.

One thing that I had read about meditation was to think of yourself as sitting on the side of the road and watching traffic as it goes by. The cars are the thoughts that enter your mind when you're meditating. Trying not to judge them is the goal. Fast car, expensive car, big truck, ugly minivan, your high school car... all of them are just cars (thoughts) passing by. Don't judge those cars as good or bad or whatever, just notice that they are nothing more than cars. What you're (I'm) waiting for are the breaks in traffic when there aren't any cars on the road and it's just... quiet. Then, I can listen. What I've found is that as the week went on there were more and more breaks in the traffic and there were more and more times when I was able to just be sitting there on the side of the road.

For me, I imagine a stretch of interstate in the South. Two lanes of asphalt, a median with grass, two lanes of asphalt, then pine trees on the other side. My thoughts drive by, and there I am just sitting on the side of the interstate that is my mind. And, when there is a break in the traffic, it's just me sitting there with the sin on my face looking out across the hot road as heat waves kind of drift off the surface. That's when I find myself to be quiet.

Now, I'm not going to tell you that after just a week of this that I've lost five pounds, grown two inches taller, cured my amputated leg or anything like that. What I will say is that as the week went on I found that there were times when I wasn't meditating that I was able to 'stop traffic' as well. Standing in line at the grocery store, sitting at work, walking... whenever, I would find that I was able to actually catch myself and say, 'oh wow, I was present just then.' Of course that 'oh wow' snaps me out of that, but I still celebrate the success of it. And, I think that, if anything, was the goal of all of this week's exercise. Just be present. Just stop and listen.

I'm reading this book right now called, 'Unwind Your Mind Back to God' and in it this week I ran across a quote that really applies here: "We must go into the silence for the experience. Still your mind! That is where the experience is."
So true. If we're going to be an active observer of our own lives, as I hope to be, then we have to observe ourselves as having a human experience. With that comes fear, guilt, anger, joy, peace, relaxation, and the need to be right (uh oh).
I have found that in those moments of stillness and presence however that it is easier to find peace and reaffirm your trust. To say to yourself that yes, this is right, what I'm experiencing is not being clouded by egoic thoughts or fear. This is where miracles are allowed to happen.

"Miracles come from trust in God; as trust increases, fear disappears. Your willingness will seem to open into readiness and readiness will seem to open into mastery." - Unwind Your Mind.

Now, the astute among you may notice that this post has started to drift a bit, but hang in there... this is how my mind still works from time to time. Remember, this is What's Now so I just type and see where we go.

What is a miracle? Well maybe an alcoholic goes sober, maybe an abuser deals with their anger, maybe an emotionally withdrawn person opens up, maybe a depressed person realizes their own greatness, maybe the fearful realize there is nothing to be afraid of. How? Trust. I think if you've read any of my posts over the past few months you're aware that this just keeps coming up. Trust in God. And, here is where willingness comes to the plate. Just a little willingness is all He ever asks right? Are you willing to trust?

Yesterday I had a conversation that was observed by a third party. He stopped me at the end of it and pointed out how, while I may have had the best intentions, that the conversation was driven by my ego. I was being driven my be need to be right. Ouch! Damn! Not what I wanted to do. I wasn't being present and I wasn't listening. But, here is the miracle... when I am able to surrender my need to be right. Not giving up the "argument" and holding onto resentment, but truly acknowledging my lack of "rightness." Saying, I don't know. Trusting that. Trusting. Being willing to see things differently.

One thing I've found is while meditating (bringing it back here) I'm able to cultivate that willingness. I'm able to, in those moments of silence, plant the seeds of willingness. What they grow are: presence, an absence of fear, and trust. Those things start to creep out of my meditation sessions and into other times in my day. Awesome! That is my "goal." To be willing and trusting at all times; to be present as much as possible and to open myself up to what comes from that.

Now, to put a cap on what I suspect is a long and rambling post by this point... I am not here to advocate that you drop what you're doing, go sit on the floor, and start meditating. But what I am encouraging is more silence, more presence, more willingness, and more trust. However you want to get there is up to you. Whether you want to get there is up to you. We all have but one choice... I'm just trying to listen and allow the right one to be made.

Tune in next time when we play Hide and Go Seek with emotions and honesty. There is no home base, and no you can't unfreeze your friend just because his mom makes the best PB&Js.