Dear Reader,
I don't know who the hell reads this since I can only name about three of you, but the numbers say that dozens of people out there read my posts. Why? Who the fuck knows. And, after this post, that number may drop a bit. Or a lot. But you know what? I don't give a fuck! In fact, the numbers may swell. People do like watching a burning building and can't resist looking at a car wreck, so maybe you'll enjoy what's to come here on 'What's Now.'
There I said it. It's not that I don't like you guys, it's just that you may not like me a lot; and that's okay. I'm me. You take it or leave it. Accept it or reject it. I'll be fine (eventually) either way.
I say that to get to this. I fucking hate where I am right now and it's high time I make some changes around here. One, more F bombs! There's a voice in my head that says it's base and not really a great choice of writing styles. I'm choosing to tell that voice that I'm done playing by any fucking rules.
First (although this is about the third point), an update. I'm once again finding myself in an unfortunately familiar place. Another version of a long relationship has come to an end. Why? Me. There. That's it. It's me again. Fucking me. The emotionally withdrawn, defensive, stoic, role playing, role assigning, rule creating, rule following, master of his own illusion, asshole that is: Me! (This is not self-pity but calling it what it is. Don't try to sympathize with this version of me either, he's about to die a painful death).
Put yourself here: Your relationship ends... again. Your partner says they've done everything that they could do. A third party (who knows both sides of the story and can be trusted here) says that I'm not the one that got "dumped" because I am the one who ended it by withdrawing and not shifting. So, who's responsible here? Me! That's who.
Daaaaaaamn! (Insert Russian novel length diatribe on self-loathing, guilt, sorrow, and bleakness here). Fuckin'-A-Man; really? How in the hell did I allow this to happen? Again! What in the fuck??? I can type a thousand blog posts on lessons I'm learning, I can do forgiveness on whatever comes up, I can listen, I can pray, I can be patient, but for some fucking reason I can't get out of my own god damned way and be vulnerable, open and available to the people closest to me. I can't just fucking be me! I'd rather dick around and act the part than drop it all and get real. I'd rather watch all my closest relationships end... than get real. Ain't that some fucked up shit there now?!
And, you know where that has left me dear reader? Do you? It's gotten me to right the fuck right here. So wrapped up in self blame that I can't even allow myself to forgive myself for my mistakes. Mistakes! Fuck it. We all make them, we all get the chance to start over, we all get to reset and retry. So there's your optimism. I get to retry and get to restart! Woooo...ooo... (fade).
Shit. I didn't want to be back here though! I certainly didn't intend to "let down" those that I had hoped to grow closer and grow older and take this journey with. But now those doors are closed and I'm left with finding an exit out of this shitty mental and emotional state that I find myself...again! (Have I mentioned that this has happened before? No need to beat myself up over it right? We get the lesson till we learn the lessons).
My lessons for the day could not have come at a better time: "I am determined to see things differently. I can escape from this world by giving up attack thoughts. I do not perceive my own best interests. I do not know what anything is for." -ACIM WB 55.
I do not know what all of this (or anything for that matter) is for. Amen to that. I don't know why I'm in this place in life, I have no idea where it's going, and I have no idea how I'm going to get there. However, I am determined to see things differently, and I am not interested in attacking others in my thoughts or my words. I am willing to see things differently, and I am not perceiving my own bests interests. How could I be? This whole time I thought I was serving my own interests and look where it's gotten me. Once again, by myself and emotionally torn up and in tears.
Dear reader, if you've made it this far, one thanks, and two, so far I have only one solution for us. Go back to the basics. Look within, find out who you are, what you want, and go be that. Go to God and give it all over. Give over the pain, the guilt, the anger. Go back to the basics.
Kurt Cobain once said, "I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not." That's true. It's also true that he must have hated that shit himself since he took a shotgun to his head. I don't know what the fuck that has to do with anything, but the sentiment he was going for is what matters here. I've got to go back, not in any linear sense, but go back to the basics, I've got to figure out who I am, and I've got to start to love that person. Because I'm not about to live where I am right now in life. I'm not about to wallow in my own self loathing. I'm going back to the ground floor and I'm starting over once again.
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