Its not you, its me

"You never hate your brother for his sins, but only for your own. Whatever form his sins appear to take, it but obscures that fact that you believe them to be yours..." -ACIM

I've spent some time lately letting go of a lot of things. (This post really is just a continuation of the one from 10/22 since this is still on my mind. That post was mostly about my internal restlessness, this one more with outward projection as it relates. Keep up dear reader! We're not playing around here. Just kidding. Do what you want.)

One of my issues in life is my perceived inability to relax in my life, or to be comfortable in doing nothing. Do nothing? What are you crazy!? I have to be 'doing something' all the time otherwise... what?

The quote above can be seen as: what you hate in another or see as his/her faults is what you fear about yourself. I fear being perceived as lazy or not fulfilling my potential. That's right dear reader, I live (have lived) with that fear. Whenever I see someone or perceive someone as lazy it triggers in me a sense of anger or judgment. What a lazy bastard that guy is! Look at his life! Oh man, if he would just not be so lazy he could... what? Nothing. He/She isn't lazy. Its merely my projection out onto that person and a reflection of my own guilt over my own self-judgement of being lazy.

What's Now?
Here is what's now. I went to a good college, got a degree, traveled the world, learned new languages, cultures, I helped people, I learned a lot, and I checked off a lot of boxes that the world would consider to be "successes." Now, I'm 34 years old and working at an inn talking to tourists all day. According to the world, I barely make a living wage, I work at a service job that could be done by a high school kid, and I've "squandered" my checked boxes by not "working hard" and "living up to my potential." Oh my, how my life appears to suck from their perspective. How lazy are you? You could have "done" so much more!

Now, I laugh at that because I know that I am where I am supposed to be. I am comfortable in my life. However, in my internal search and in my digging into my path in life, there is this notion of laziness that has been nagging at me. I discovered that I was unable to even enjoy a day off from work because I needed to constantly be "doing" something so as not to appear lazy. Sunday off? Well I need to clean the bathroom, do laundry, go to the store, there's that project I've been meaning to work on, I really should go get the oil changed in the car... What happened to my day off? I might find sometime to meditate and relax, but even that had to be scheduled. What the shit is that? What happened to being able to sit on the couch, eat some popcorn and watch some football? What happened to being able to turn off the tv, the computer, the phone, the kindle, and everything else and just being?

Sorry, that last paragraph got a bit rambley there. I don't edit these as you may know, but rather just let stuff come up and then out... moving on...

I am not lazy. The inability to 'do nothing' that was present in my life in the past is slowly fading away as is my fear of being perceived as lazy. I've stopped projecting laziness out onto others and have stopped seeing that as "my brother's sin." The funny thing about it is that the more and more work I do on myself the more and more I enjoy it. The more I identify my "issues" the more and more I like looking at them rather than shying away from them. Laziness is just one of them. Relaxing, doing nothing, being present in the moment, these are not aspect of laziness. The only person the ever judged me for that was me.

Anxiety and fear are the things that come with this constant need to be 'doing something.' Better do something or you're lazy! But as I dig this up more and more and let it go, the more relaxed and comfortable I feel. The more relaxed and comfortable I feel the more I allow things to happen. I need do nothing!

I've stopped hiding. There is nothing that I want to hide anymore. Not from myself, God, my teachers, my friends, anyone really. I want to share. I want to share because I want to love. I want to accept because I want to accept love. Laziness was one of the first things to be tossed aside. This week, with a some help, I found another aspect that needs to be dug up and let go of... Abandonment.

So, tune in next time dear reader and hear all about it... in the interim, I'm going to 'do nothing' except my own work on myself. I have a lot to discover, uncover, look at, let go of, and a lot to forgive.

Hey, if you've made it this far, I just want you to know something... you are loved.
Smile a sincere smile today knowing that.

Goodbye Memaw

Yesterday I got word that my grandmother passed away.

Every parent or grandparent will tell you that they don't play favorites when it comes to their children or grandchildren. Not my Memaw. (That's right. I called my grandmother Memaw. Deal with it.) I was her first grandchild and she never really hid the fact that I was her favorite. Neither did I. She was, is and forever will be my most loved Memaw.

Death teaches us all a lot. I've come to learn that it is only a part of life and that we all only really move on to a greater understanding of ourselves and God after we leave our bodies and "die." We never really die. We are all just released from this reality and graduate to a greater understanding. That knowledge offers a great deal of comfort to those still behind who may be left here, still a little boy, missing their Memaw.

Those who play a large roll in our education and upbringing also offer us a chance to reflect once they pass away. And, my grandmother is certainly an example of that. Looking at it last night and again today I've been really appreciating the things that she taught me in life:

Unconditional Love.
I have never in my life met anyone who offered up so much unconditional love to everyone she met like my Memaw. "Andrew, everyone has something good to offer in this world." I also believe she is the first person I ever heard speak the universal truth of, "Our job is not to judge but to love." If only I could have truly learned that lesson from her.
Love is all you ever got from her. Always loving, always forgiving.

Optimism.
All of my grandparents were Depression Babies. They all grew up dirt poor in the rural South. For the most part my grandparents carried that with them throughout their lives. That sense of lack and always fearing a future of less. Not Memaw. She was the ever optimist. Things will always get better. Even after she had a stroke several years ago, had broken a hip, my grandfather had died, and she was in a wheelchair, she still believed that she would rehab, move out of assisted living, get a job, an apartment, and start living on her own again. Most people laughed this off, but you could see that she really just had a spirit of optimism in her eyes that despite it all would never fade.

Be Thankful for the Small Things in Life.
If love was number one from Memaw, gratitude was a close second. She was always so grateful for everything in her life. I was always amazed at how excited she could get over the smallest things. For her, everyday was like a CrackerJacks box; there was always a prize to be found in it. Never forced, never fake, genuine. There are several stories I could share to back this up, but trust me; she was always grateful for everyday that she lived on this earth.

The Christmas Spirit!
There was never a better time of year as a child than being around Memaw during the Christmas Season. Some of my happiest childhood memories involve Christmas and Memaw. For her it was a time of year to celebrate Jesus first of course, her family, and the wholeness of everything Christmas. Trees, lights, gifts, cookies, reds, greens, golds, Santa, elves, stockings, singing, and anything that made you think more and feel more about Christmas. Her love and her optimism grew ten times during Christmas and everyone around her could feel it. There has not been and never will be a Christmas that comes or goes with out me thinking about Memaw. She was one of the greatest gifts I ever received.

I cried a lot last night. I'm crying now. But only at the loss of the ability to be with my Memaw in this place. She has not left me. I heard her voice last night as clear as if she were in the room with me say what she had said a million times, "Andrew, sweetie... I love you."

I love you too Memaw. I love you too!

Mary H. Huldow

1930-2015

Frustration is just Restless

We all have times when we're restless. Some people describe it like an itch, a drive to do something. We're taught that we get what we want in life by working hard and doing all we can to achieve that goal.

I've challenged a lot over the past couple of months and one of those things has been my constant urge to feel like I'm doing something to not appear lazy. If I'm doing something, working on something then I'm getting closer to my goals right? If I'm doing something then I can't be judged as lazy or not doing my work right? If I'm doing something then I'm in control of my path right?

Wrong.

I can get frustrated in my personal development because I sometimes don't feel like I'm doing enough. I judge myself for not doing enough or asking the right questions or reading enough, or forgiving enough. I judge myself as not doing enough. This restlessness causes frustration. But what about my past experiences has ever proved to me that my perceived control and my busy doing has worked? Nothing. Otherwise restlessness and frustration would never appear.

What if surrendering and doing nothing were the answer I've always been looking for. What if allowing rather than forcing was a better path. Strength comes from lack of defense right?

“I need do nothing”is a statement of allegiance, a truly undivided loyalty. Believe it for just one instant, and you will accomplish more than is given to a century of contemplation, or of struggle against temptation. -ACIM

More than a century of contemplation? Wow. Um... sounds good to me. In searching myself, I've found that allowing, accepting, and relaxing have in the past proven to be difficult for me. Now, I'm trying to relearn life. Reevaluate my life. Relax. Accept. Do nothing and be safe in that holy instant. Live in that instant.

One meditation that has proved helpful to me I will pass on to you dear reader here:
Think about this exact moment. Look away from the screen you're reading this on and think about right now. What problems do you have in this instant? Not rent being due next week, not work later today, not dinner that needs to be made, nothing from the past, nothing from the future. Right this second, what problems do you have? None! Everything is as it should be. You are where you should be.

“A healed mind does not plan. It carries out the plans that it receives through listening to Wisdom that is not its own. It waits until it has been taught what should be done, and then proceeds to do it. It does not depend upon itself for anything except its adequacy to fulfill the plans assigned to it. It is secure in certainty that obstacles can not impede its progress to accomplishment of any goal that serves the greater plan established for the good of everyone.” (W-pI.135.11:1-5)

Blog is back with a brand new edition

Something grabs a hold of me tightly pulls like a harpoon daily and nightly. Will this reference ever stop? I don't know.

Well dear reader, the blog is back. I will make no promises how long this will go on for, but there are as you may have seen just a few changes. Title among them. No longer am I going to look at What's Next but rather What's Now. I don't know what the future holds for me nor am I even concerned with that. I can and am only focusing on what's going on with me right now.

So in the coming days and weeks I will from time to time be coming here to express some of my thoughts and emotions and just using this as a place to get those, "out there." I doubt anyone is really reading this anymore since I haven't posted in so long, and that's fine too. But, if you do happen to stumble across this well, you may just be in for a few nuggets of wisdom, a few laughs, and maybe even a few tears. Who knows.

No college football commentary though. Sorry to all my past college football faithful. One realization that I came to about football is that it is divisive and can breed a lot more negativity than positivity. Think about your own "fandom." There is the team you love, the teams you sort of like or tolerate, then there are a whole group of teams that you just hate! Why? Because that's what football fandom creates in all of us. Anybody but the fucking Cowboys! Fuck them! Yaaarrr! Right? And if you don't agree with me, well then screw you too! Divisive. Not for me.
Now, I will still watch some football. But I certainly am not engaged with it like I used to be. It is what it is, I am what I am. We don't need to define or identify with one another. Football will be fine without me and I'll be fine without it.

This is what's now. Hopefully, I'll be back soon.

No man is an island

That's me. Yelling at my ego. My ego is my favorite ball that I've named and told to "protect me from all the bad things in life." Well folks, the "bad things" aren't that bad and that ball has taken over my mind. It won't change. The ball is just a ball. It's just whether or not I believe the ball or not that has to change. 

Instead, I'm just going to sit here and yell at it for a while...

FUCK YOU BALL! 

We all know that we're interconnected. We all create our own realities. I am a man on an island all alone. But, my toes are in the sand, the sand is in the ocean, the ocean touches other shores, there are others on those shores and that shore is connected to land where even more people are. We all breathe the same air. We are all connected in spirit. We are never alone. Me, the sand, the air, the tree, the bird in the tree, the air, time, space... one thing. One creation. But inside me like some mad schizophrenic are two separate things: Me and my Ego. I know things. My ego tells me other things and convinces me of them. 

Right now my Ego is telling me that I am alone. Wholly alone. Rejected. Unworthy. Angry. All my efforts, all my time, all my energy towards trying to achieve happiness have led me once again to failure and being left wholly alone. I don't know where to go from here so I'm sitting here on my new island yelling at my Ego to stop lying to me. 

It's actually not too bad down here. There is a comforting feeling knowing that you can only go up from here. I can only feel better about this situation. I can only feel better about my self. There is no worse than this. Can't be. What sucks is I can't seem to get my Ego's foot off my throat long enough to breathe. What sucks is I can't seem to find an answer to the question of which direction to go. My island is surround by water. I'm trapped here with this Ego ball that keeps telling me I suck. 

Well if we're all interconnected and I can create my own reality, then the answer to the question of which way to go is: Anywhere. How? Anyway. I can walk on water. I can build a bridge. I can build a boat. I can swim. I can leave this island. Now... can I leave the Ego behind? Am I willing to stay off this island or will I want to let my Ego call me back here? 

When you're in a relationship you tend to eventually draw a sense of 'Self' from that relationship. I am a guy who ___. I ____. I like to _____ with my partner and she likes ____. She loves me, trusts me, she feels safe with me, she is comforted by me, wants me around because I am _____. Well what happens if she doesn't trust you? She doesn't want you around? Doesn't feel safe? Isn't comforted by you? Not necessarily because of something you've done but because of where she is or what she's going through. What if she feels trapped in your relationship? What does that mean? Does that change your definition of yourself? Are you not a guy who ____? Who is ____? And who likes to?____? Enter the Ego!!! You now have to look at your sense of Self! Who are YOU?

But long before the Ego will let you get to those questions you're going to have to deal with the fear that it wants you to choke on. Fear of rejection. Fear of separation. Fear of loneliness. Fear of being back on the island.

There are other options though. You can try seeing things differently. You can use forgiveness. You can go within. You can go to God. You can shift your perception. You can create a different narrative. It is a hard thing to admit that your yesterday's reality no longer exists. The people closest to you don't see you as you thought they did. You don't see you as you thought you did. None of that matters anymore. Today matters. Tomorrow can't matter yet because you haven't gotten there yet. Now. Only now. Work on now. Make a choice. Choose to source your reality in Love. Not fear. Not anger. Not rejection. Love. Your main problem is going to come only from this moment; this choice: Are you going to make a different choice than what you have in the past? Are you ready for that? If not, this island is going to stay lonely and there's going to be a long wait to get off of it. 

“The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.” 
― F. Scott Fitzgerald

Walking 0.01 Miles

"Don't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes."

We've all heard this. We've all said it to someone at some point. It's a cliche. It's also true. That's how sayings become cliche is they keep hitting you over the head with some truth until you lose the trees in the forest. You see there are really two parts to this phrase...

One, don't judge. That's "easy" enough. Good luck on your daily journey through your life without judging. Really, try that. Go a day without judging. I think the longest I made it was about 10 minutes. Now, I kept correcting and kept seeing other people and myself in different ways, but not judging; really hard. 

The second part here is walking a mile in his shoes. This is the part that I struggle with even more sometimes. This refers to something we call empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of others.

Whoa! Hold on. I have my shoes, you have yours right? My feet stink, your feet stink, let's not go around putting our feet in each others shoes OK? But what this is saying is simply, in order for you to share your thoughts, feelings, emotions, struggles, successes, and failures with me, you have to honestly believe that I am willing and able to understand those feelings with you. Willing. Easy enough. Love your neighbor, partner, brother, or whoever and you're more than likely willing to share in their feelings with them. That's part of love. Able. Weeeeeell this is where practice is required. 

Being able to empathize with someone means you have to have to ability to not only acknowledge your own emotions but relate those emotions to the experiences of others. What? You mean you hurt too? I feel sad. You feel sad too? You're confused about your emotions and your feelings? Me too! If only it were that simple. You see dear reader, the problem for me here comes in the first part of this equation. First, I must recognize and acknowledge those emotions within myself. Yes, I feel sad. Yes, I feel angry. Yes, I feel guilty. No, these things do not make me a terrible person. 

I can listen to CC all day long. Our foster dog can listen to her all day long. There isn't much of a difference there. The only thing that separates me from the dog (aside from my thumbs) is my ability to have a shared experience and to empathize with her. What I have to be able to do is to not only hear the words shes saying but to have the ability to feel the emotions shes saying them with. I have to feel what shes saying. 

Intimacy: Close familiarity, closeness. What is more familiar than seeing, hearing, and experiencing your own emotions in others? Empathy as a path to intimacy.

Don't judge yourself too harshly for the inverse or lack of empathy that you're used to. This will take practice. This will take self-examination and forgiveness. I am not cold. I am not unempathetic. I am a man who has yet to fully realize and acknowledge his own emotions so therefore I am unable to understand and share the feelings of others. Willingness here will come in the form of practice. Ability will come as a result of that practice. 

I am empathetic. I am willing to listen, to hear, to share, to understand. We are all here together. We are all having an experience. Today is the only part of that experience that matters. Don't throw on my shoes and go walk a mile. Just try them on and take a step. Start with that. 

Hello? Are you there?

I spent a whole day circling around in my own mind this week. Meditating, thinking, writing short sentences, having ideas, and generally just listening to my own mind. When you stop to listen for that long of a period of time you start to wonder if you're really hearing things or  if you're just having your own thoughts that come to you from a deeper part of yourself. Don't let your mind get blown by that last sentence just yet...

I'm not here to write about meditation or the process of listening because that's not where I am right now. I am at a place where I'm stopping, listening and trying to hear what my own problems and issues are. I am at a place where I'm trying to forgive myself for the mistakes I've made and for even holding myself to some stupid standards that I've created for myself as well. Imagine a lazy perfectionist who is always down on themselves for not getting it right. 'Well, you're lazy. What did you expect?' Now I'm neither a perfectionist nor am I lazy, but that same oxymoronic struggle applies all the same.

We only live by the laws that we create for ourselves. I love that. You have to wear slacks when you go to a nice restaurant. Who says? I'm pretty sure I used to turn my nose at people in jeans and sandals if the place was "business casual." Now, Good for you! Your credit card will swipe as good as mine and shame on me for judging you for being comfortable enough to wear whatever you damn well please.
I don't feel that I'm giving you the best examples this morning of what I'm trying to express... writer reaches for coffee cup...

What I'm getting at here dear reader is this: Only you are going to find, experience, fear, fight, give into, forgive, and deal with your own shit in life. That's it. Nobody can do it for you. The only person in this life that can walk your road is you. How twisted, hilly, rocky or smooth that road is is up to you too.

The only help you can find in this life is in a mirror. I'm lucky enough to have one named CC who (God bless her) is willing to stick around long enough to watch, listen, and offer guidance when she can. She is a mirror in that I can (if I'm willing) ask her what she sees from me. She can then show me what she sees and that can really help to open up new parts my my Self that I was unaware of. I'm "lucky" enough to be in a relationship with my mirror. Sometimes that's not the best thing. In 'One Man's Path to Intimacy' that I'm exploring here, there are times when this relationship is not 'fun' or 'happy' in the 'normal' sense of those words. Even CC has questioned, 'Are you there? Is this the work you're doing? Is this who you really want to be?' At times she has not believed that I've been trying to grow and truly walk my own path to dealing with my own shit. She has seen signs, but not been convinced. And, I'm not here to convince her. I'm just here, working on my stuff the only way I know how.

I can only become the more intimate partner and more open person that our relationship needs and that I need as an individual by looking inside and asking, 'Hello? Are you there?'
Like dropping a rock down a well and listening for the splash at the bottom, I'm sitting and listening looking for signs that let me feel. I've been dropping pebbles and hearing ripples. This past week I dropped a stone and heard a splash. I've been smiling all week. Yes I'm afraid of things. Yes, I judge myself too harshly. Yes, I do hold on too tightly in life to ideas of control of ideas of  perfection. Yes, I do live by some pretty stupid rules that I've created for myself. Yes, I am emotionally withdrawn from a lot of people.

In the past if anyone in the street had come up to me and said those things, I think I would have immediately denied them. Like Judas I would have denied then hid. I think if someone said those things to me right now, I would listen and agree. Yeah, there are some things I'm not 'good' at right now. But that's today. Tomorrow I may be a bit better. I may not. Right now all I'm doing is listening to myself and observing the emotions that come to me and allowing those emotions to come to me.

I had a tendency to dismiss people and their ideas. You like hockey? Phssst. Hockey is dumb.
Why would I say hockey is dumb? Hockey isn't dumb. Hockey is a cool sport that I don't understand. By telling someone that what they like is 'dumb,' I'm expressing that I think they are 'dumb' and I am attacking them and their ideas. What I am not doing is allowing them to express their passion for something. I am not allowing them to share something with me. Think about the light you see pouring from an individual when you hear them describe something they love. It's amazing and you get to connect with them on that thing and experience their love along with them as they describe how much they truly love cross-stitched pillows with dogs on them. Sound silly?
Stop and think about someone doing that right now. An aunt or someone who loves dogs, cross-stitch and pillows. Lovely. And, after you embrace their passion for something, they are more likely to be interested in your passions and interests and that will lead to other ways in which to connect with one another. Do you think a hockey fan would be interested in hearing about my passion for baseball after I told him/her that hockey was dumb? Nope. More likely we would begin to attack one another and find more differences than commonality with one another. Ways to separate rather than connect. Never close a door before you see where it leads.

This week has been a rough one. I've felt so good about finding so many things to work on. I've felt so frustrated with my tendencies to hold on so tightly to my 'rules to live by' and my want for control. I've felt so happy when I look on myself and other with so little judgment. I've felt so disconnected from those that I want most to connect with the most. I've felt less guilty. I've felt more alive.
I've felt; and that's saying something.

Stop. Listen. Do yourself a favor this week and just listen.