Well isn't that Special

I heard a joke recently that, "Hipsters are the result of every child being told that they were special."

While this made me chuckle for a moment, something about it triggered some feelings of not only judgment (yeah, hipsters suck those neck-bearded too cool for school overgrown children) it also quickly brought up a nice little lesson for me. If those kids turned into summertime scarf wearers by being told they were "special" then what have I turned into by believing in my own version of specialness?

After some reading I came to the connection that what we hold as special in ourselves is what we turn into our sins. Or put another way, if I see myself as a liar I see myself as a particular kind of liar; a person who lies in certain circumstances in order to hide a part of myself from the world, my relationships, myself, and from God. My lies are my own special brand of lies and my own special sins and my own special self-created hell.

Now dear reader I'm going to ask for your "special" attention here because we're going to connect a few dots that may get a bit cloudy in between points. Remember when I wrote about abandonment and said that all of those feelings I was really just projecting back to God? If you do, good, because that's going to come up here as well. How about forgiveness? Remember that. Really awesome process that needs to be undertaken on so many aspects of our lives and applies here as well. So, with that in mind...

When I turn my "sins" into MY special sins, the things that make me a special kind of jerk is when I start to hide them. When I go into forgiveness on those "special sins" is when I get to the heart of my inward journey. Remember, we are not jerks, liars, and sinners. That is all an illusion that we've created in our own minds. Those are the things that we've created to make ourselves special and create our own little hell right in our own minds that nobody else could understand right? How could they? That shit is dark and makes me unlovable. And if I tell them about it, if they learn my secrets... oh man then what? We're all the same; we all have the same struggles and we all need to start by forgiving ourselves.

"Forgiveness is the end of specialness. Only illusions can be forgiven, and then they disappear. Forgiveness is release from all illusions, and that is why it is impossible but partly to forgive. No-one who clings to one illusion can see himself as sinless, for he holds one error to himself as lovely still. And so he calls it "unforgivable" and makes it sin. How then can he give his forgiveness wholly, when he would not receive it for himself? For it is sure that he would receive it wholly, the instant that he gave it so. And thus his secret guilt would disappear, forgiven by himself." - ACIM T24 D1.

That sin that we try to hide is what we call special in ourselves. But who are we hiding it from? On the surface we like to say from other people because we fear judgement. Deeper we would say ourselves because we feel guilt. And deeper still we would say we hide it from God because we feel both guilt and fear of punishment or being un-forgiven. And how can we begin to forgive others if we haven't first forgiven ourselves? We can't. It's that simple. We can't even truly ask for forgiveness from others because it is ourselves that we need to release from our own self created illusions.

"The special ones are all asleep, surrounded by a world of loveliness they do not see. Freedom and peace and joy stand there, beside the bier (coffin stand; don't worry, I had to look up that SAT word myself) on which they sleep, and call them to come forth and waken from their dream of death. Yet they hear nothing. They are lost in dreams of specialness." -ACIM T24 D7.

Forgiveness would free us all from this death sleep that keeps us from peace, joy, and happiness. Digging up that which we hate about ourselves and forgiving it is at the heart of all of our problems and encompasses our dream of specialness that we would try and hide from others, ourselves, and God. If you take your fears, your guilt and your specialness and project that back at God then you also need to forgive Him as well. Whoa! Hold on. Forgive God? What's He ever done to me?
It's not what He has or hasn't done, it's what you've convinced yourself that's been done to you and projected that onto God. Bad breaks in life? God. Cat died? God. Got fired? God. Flu? God.

"God asks your mercy on His Son (you and others), and on Himself. Deny them not. They ask of you but that your will be done. They seek your love that you may love yourself. Love not your specialness instead of them." -ACIM T24 D8.

That's it. Love not those things that you would convince yourself that you are other than sinless and loving. We are all love, peace, and true happiness. We just have to get all this other shit out of the way.

I just realized that I've typed a lot of yous, wes, and ours. Maybe there was a point to that, but just know dear reader all of this applies to me right now. I'm talking to myself here. I'm not trying to preach to you or convince you of any of this. I'm trying to take this and apply it to myself first. This past week I faced some things in my life that needed to be forgiven by me. I realized that there were things that I was holding onto that needed to be forgiven and needed to go. I am not special. My "sins" are not special. I am like you. You are like me. We are like God. It is only these "special" things that we hold onto and convince ourselves that we are separate.

I've said it before: I'm done hiding. I can no longer tolerate hiding from others, myself, and from God. There is no piano hanging over my head that will come crashing down should I reveal myself. There is no abyss that I will fall into. I want to learn and grow into who I truly am. I want to learn and grow with you all. I want to learn and grow with God.

What's now? Now is now. Now is all we have. So let's not spend it hiding and trying to convince ourselves that we're special.