Elvis has not left the building (part one)

Take a deep breath in.

Let that breath go.

Simple as that.

Where does that breath go? Has it really left you? Didn't that air become a part of you, nourish you, fill you, and sustain you in that moment? It did. And now? What happened? Did the air that you invited into your life abandon you or did you release it and invite in the next breath and the next moment. Have you tried holding onto a breath? What happens? Your face turns purple, you chest burns, and your moment turns to hell really quickly. You can't hold on to a breath beyond its purpose, you have to move on, you have to release it and accept the next breath of life.

I've come to realize that people are like this. People come into your life like air. We are all breathing the same air, we are all connected to one another, and we are all dreaming together. Some people come into your life and are there for just a moment. The cashier at the store, the mailman, the coworker... these people come into your life and are there for just a moment. You can show them love, or you can ignore them, the choice is yours. But, you are connected to them and they will come and they will go, just like air and these choices and these lessons will repeat until you learn them and get the ultimate lesson of connection and love.

The problem comes when you see a breath of air as "special." What about this breath of air? They've been around for years, I really like this breath of air, this breath of air makes me feel loved, this certain breath of air makes me feel guilty, angry, obligated to it. How can I let this breath of air go? These are the people in your life that make up your special relationships. Family, friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, bosses, coworkers, neighbors, teachers... These are the people in your life that you put extra importance on and make "special." You assign them a role and expect them to preform that role for you.

"What is your brother for? You do not know, because your function is obscure to you. Do not ascribe a role to him that you imagine would bring happiness to you. And do not try to hurt him when he fails to take the part that you assigned to him..." ACIM

What does this tell us? One, you don't know what your role or path is in life. Two, you shouldn't assign roles to others in your life. Everyone is who they are, they are like you, they have their own fears and insecurities and love to give. It also tells us what we all already know; after we assign roles to these people we get angry with them when they fail to live up to the role that we assign them.

Take this out to the extreme... I want you dear reader to be a tightrope walker. Get up on a rope 100 feet in the air and walk across it. Go! Scared of heights? Not that great a balance? Never been on a rope before? Tough shit. Walk. I want a tightrope walker in my life. Can't do it? Don't want to? Well screw you! Get out of my life! Silly right?

Now let me shift this back to me. One of my biggest issues in life is abandonment. People "leave" me. I, like most of us, assign roles to those in my life and they do the same to me. When those roles break down, relationships end, and then we breathe out. However, one of my hang ups has always been the feeling of abandonment. I fail to take responsibility for my part in the assigning of roles either to myself or to the other party. And, when those relationships end, I feel abandoned. They left me! I'm alone! I'm the child in the corner crying with my knees pulled into my chest.

Take this out to the extreme... God has abandoned me! In these special relationships I have in the past assigned the role of savior, teacher, and supporter to those around me. Who but God do those adjectives describe? I made a lot of these "special" people in my life into shadow figures of God so when I find myself "alone" I feel abandoned by my "special" people and... God.

This year I've come to a couple of realizations. (A couple... Hahahaha!)
One of them is that my ego will find any outlet to place blame outside of myself. It's them not you. Get angry, feel guilty, get sad... you are alone, they have left you, you are not worthy of their love, you are not worthy of God's love.
Another realization that I've had is that it is me. I let the ego take me there and I started to believe in that and I let it shut me down, drive people away, reject love, and close off my ability to listen and give love. My ego assigned roles left and right and then stirred up anger when those roles were not fulfilled. When all of that happened, when I chose that, I then felt abandoned. Abandoned by love, people, and God. My ego won the day.

After a lot of thought and prayer dear reader I've come to another realization. God has not left the building. I may have tried to ignore God, but he never left. We all take our emotions to the end, to God. Anger? Who are you angry with? The guy with 15 items in the 10 or less aisle? Or what he represents to you?
If I assigned God rolls to those "special" people in my life and then feel abandoned by them, who am I really placing the blame on? God.
No more! The ego may have won the day in the past, but no more. I am no longer listening to that blaming, angry, guilty voice. I am no longer seeing those in my life as anything more than they present themselves in that moment. In that breath.

I recently had a test of this. I had a 'friend' come to town that I haven't seen in 6-7 years. We met up and went to dinner. I looked on him as he was that night as if I had forgotten all that I knew about him in the past and all that he knew about me. I presented myself as I was that night. Where I was, what I was thinking and how I was feeling. I asked him questions and listened and learned from his answers. At the end of the night, when I got home I realized that I was relaxed and refreshed. I wasn't exhausted from playing a role and assigning a role to this person. Just a breath in, and a breath out.

This was a small event. This was a huge event. Part of my abandonment problem is making people "special", dragging along my past and theirs, and holding onto assigned roles. No more. In my work I've come to the realization that my feelings of abandonment stem from me; not others. I used to take that to the extreme and cast that abandonment onto God. No more.

So dear reader, I will cut this here. Here you've only seen a glimpse at how deep this goes with me. A set up of just a part of the work that I'm doing on this issue. I am done with restricting, holding back, and hiding. I am not abandoned. I am never alone. So 'What's Now?' This. And, after I do some more work, more forgiveness on this issue I will report back on where I'm going from here. Hint: Love, acceptance, forgiveness, and healing.

Until then... breathe in, breathe out. In that moment: Be with me, Be with God, Be in the moment and Be in Love. None of us are alone. We are not abandoned.

Its not you, its me

"You never hate your brother for his sins, but only for your own. Whatever form his sins appear to take, it but obscures that fact that you believe them to be yours..." -ACIM

I've spent some time lately letting go of a lot of things. (This post really is just a continuation of the one from 10/22 since this is still on my mind. That post was mostly about my internal restlessness, this one more with outward projection as it relates. Keep up dear reader! We're not playing around here. Just kidding. Do what you want.)

One of my issues in life is my perceived inability to relax in my life, or to be comfortable in doing nothing. Do nothing? What are you crazy!? I have to be 'doing something' all the time otherwise... what?

The quote above can be seen as: what you hate in another or see as his/her faults is what you fear about yourself. I fear being perceived as lazy or not fulfilling my potential. That's right dear reader, I live (have lived) with that fear. Whenever I see someone or perceive someone as lazy it triggers in me a sense of anger or judgment. What a lazy bastard that guy is! Look at his life! Oh man, if he would just not be so lazy he could... what? Nothing. He/She isn't lazy. Its merely my projection out onto that person and a reflection of my own guilt over my own self-judgement of being lazy.

What's Now?
Here is what's now. I went to a good college, got a degree, traveled the world, learned new languages, cultures, I helped people, I learned a lot, and I checked off a lot of boxes that the world would consider to be "successes." Now, I'm 34 years old and working at an inn talking to tourists all day. According to the world, I barely make a living wage, I work at a service job that could be done by a high school kid, and I've "squandered" my checked boxes by not "working hard" and "living up to my potential." Oh my, how my life appears to suck from their perspective. How lazy are you? You could have "done" so much more!

Now, I laugh at that because I know that I am where I am supposed to be. I am comfortable in my life. However, in my internal search and in my digging into my path in life, there is this notion of laziness that has been nagging at me. I discovered that I was unable to even enjoy a day off from work because I needed to constantly be "doing" something so as not to appear lazy. Sunday off? Well I need to clean the bathroom, do laundry, go to the store, there's that project I've been meaning to work on, I really should go get the oil changed in the car... What happened to my day off? I might find sometime to meditate and relax, but even that had to be scheduled. What the shit is that? What happened to being able to sit on the couch, eat some popcorn and watch some football? What happened to being able to turn off the tv, the computer, the phone, the kindle, and everything else and just being?

Sorry, that last paragraph got a bit rambley there. I don't edit these as you may know, but rather just let stuff come up and then out... moving on...

I am not lazy. The inability to 'do nothing' that was present in my life in the past is slowly fading away as is my fear of being perceived as lazy. I've stopped projecting laziness out onto others and have stopped seeing that as "my brother's sin." The funny thing about it is that the more and more work I do on myself the more and more I enjoy it. The more I identify my "issues" the more and more I like looking at them rather than shying away from them. Laziness is just one of them. Relaxing, doing nothing, being present in the moment, these are not aspect of laziness. The only person the ever judged me for that was me.

Anxiety and fear are the things that come with this constant need to be 'doing something.' Better do something or you're lazy! But as I dig this up more and more and let it go, the more relaxed and comfortable I feel. The more relaxed and comfortable I feel the more I allow things to happen. I need do nothing!

I've stopped hiding. There is nothing that I want to hide anymore. Not from myself, God, my teachers, my friends, anyone really. I want to share. I want to share because I want to love. I want to accept because I want to accept love. Laziness was one of the first things to be tossed aside. This week, with a some help, I found another aspect that needs to be dug up and let go of... Abandonment.

So, tune in next time dear reader and hear all about it... in the interim, I'm going to 'do nothing' except my own work on myself. I have a lot to discover, uncover, look at, let go of, and a lot to forgive.

Hey, if you've made it this far, I just want you to know something... you are loved.
Smile a sincere smile today knowing that.

Goodbye Memaw

Yesterday I got word that my grandmother passed away.

Every parent or grandparent will tell you that they don't play favorites when it comes to their children or grandchildren. Not my Memaw. (That's right. I called my grandmother Memaw. Deal with it.) I was her first grandchild and she never really hid the fact that I was her favorite. Neither did I. She was, is and forever will be my most loved Memaw.

Death teaches us all a lot. I've come to learn that it is only a part of life and that we all only really move on to a greater understanding of ourselves and God after we leave our bodies and "die." We never really die. We are all just released from this reality and graduate to a greater understanding. That knowledge offers a great deal of comfort to those still behind who may be left here, still a little boy, missing their Memaw.

Those who play a large roll in our education and upbringing also offer us a chance to reflect once they pass away. And, my grandmother is certainly an example of that. Looking at it last night and again today I've been really appreciating the things that she taught me in life:

Unconditional Love.
I have never in my life met anyone who offered up so much unconditional love to everyone she met like my Memaw. "Andrew, everyone has something good to offer in this world." I also believe she is the first person I ever heard speak the universal truth of, "Our job is not to judge but to love." If only I could have truly learned that lesson from her.
Love is all you ever got from her. Always loving, always forgiving.

Optimism.
All of my grandparents were Depression Babies. They all grew up dirt poor in the rural South. For the most part my grandparents carried that with them throughout their lives. That sense of lack and always fearing a future of less. Not Memaw. She was the ever optimist. Things will always get better. Even after she had a stroke several years ago, had broken a hip, my grandfather had died, and she was in a wheelchair, she still believed that she would rehab, move out of assisted living, get a job, an apartment, and start living on her own again. Most people laughed this off, but you could see that she really just had a spirit of optimism in her eyes that despite it all would never fade.

Be Thankful for the Small Things in Life.
If love was number one from Memaw, gratitude was a close second. She was always so grateful for everything in her life. I was always amazed at how excited she could get over the smallest things. For her, everyday was like a CrackerJacks box; there was always a prize to be found in it. Never forced, never fake, genuine. There are several stories I could share to back this up, but trust me; she was always grateful for everyday that she lived on this earth.

The Christmas Spirit!
There was never a better time of year as a child than being around Memaw during the Christmas Season. Some of my happiest childhood memories involve Christmas and Memaw. For her it was a time of year to celebrate Jesus first of course, her family, and the wholeness of everything Christmas. Trees, lights, gifts, cookies, reds, greens, golds, Santa, elves, stockings, singing, and anything that made you think more and feel more about Christmas. Her love and her optimism grew ten times during Christmas and everyone around her could feel it. There has not been and never will be a Christmas that comes or goes with out me thinking about Memaw. She was one of the greatest gifts I ever received.

I cried a lot last night. I'm crying now. But only at the loss of the ability to be with my Memaw in this place. She has not left me. I heard her voice last night as clear as if she were in the room with me say what she had said a million times, "Andrew, sweetie... I love you."

I love you too Memaw. I love you too!

Mary H. Huldow

1930-2015

Frustration is just Restless

We all have times when we're restless. Some people describe it like an itch, a drive to do something. We're taught that we get what we want in life by working hard and doing all we can to achieve that goal.

I've challenged a lot over the past couple of months and one of those things has been my constant urge to feel like I'm doing something to not appear lazy. If I'm doing something, working on something then I'm getting closer to my goals right? If I'm doing something then I can't be judged as lazy or not doing my work right? If I'm doing something then I'm in control of my path right?

Wrong.

I can get frustrated in my personal development because I sometimes don't feel like I'm doing enough. I judge myself for not doing enough or asking the right questions or reading enough, or forgiving enough. I judge myself as not doing enough. This restlessness causes frustration. But what about my past experiences has ever proved to me that my perceived control and my busy doing has worked? Nothing. Otherwise restlessness and frustration would never appear.

What if surrendering and doing nothing were the answer I've always been looking for. What if allowing rather than forcing was a better path. Strength comes from lack of defense right?

“I need do nothing”is a statement of allegiance, a truly undivided loyalty. Believe it for just one instant, and you will accomplish more than is given to a century of contemplation, or of struggle against temptation. -ACIM

More than a century of contemplation? Wow. Um... sounds good to me. In searching myself, I've found that allowing, accepting, and relaxing have in the past proven to be difficult for me. Now, I'm trying to relearn life. Reevaluate my life. Relax. Accept. Do nothing and be safe in that holy instant. Live in that instant.

One meditation that has proved helpful to me I will pass on to you dear reader here:
Think about this exact moment. Look away from the screen you're reading this on and think about right now. What problems do you have in this instant? Not rent being due next week, not work later today, not dinner that needs to be made, nothing from the past, nothing from the future. Right this second, what problems do you have? None! Everything is as it should be. You are where you should be.

“A healed mind does not plan. It carries out the plans that it receives through listening to Wisdom that is not its own. It waits until it has been taught what should be done, and then proceeds to do it. It does not depend upon itself for anything except its adequacy to fulfill the plans assigned to it. It is secure in certainty that obstacles can not impede its progress to accomplishment of any goal that serves the greater plan established for the good of everyone.” (W-pI.135.11:1-5)

Blog is back with a brand new edition

Something grabs a hold of me tightly pulls like a harpoon daily and nightly. Will this reference ever stop? I don't know.

Well dear reader, the blog is back. I will make no promises how long this will go on for, but there are as you may have seen just a few changes. Title among them. No longer am I going to look at What's Next but rather What's Now. I don't know what the future holds for me nor am I even concerned with that. I can and am only focusing on what's going on with me right now.

So in the coming days and weeks I will from time to time be coming here to express some of my thoughts and emotions and just using this as a place to get those, "out there." I doubt anyone is really reading this anymore since I haven't posted in so long, and that's fine too. But, if you do happen to stumble across this well, you may just be in for a few nuggets of wisdom, a few laughs, and maybe even a few tears. Who knows.

No college football commentary though. Sorry to all my past college football faithful. One realization that I came to about football is that it is divisive and can breed a lot more negativity than positivity. Think about your own "fandom." There is the team you love, the teams you sort of like or tolerate, then there are a whole group of teams that you just hate! Why? Because that's what football fandom creates in all of us. Anybody but the fucking Cowboys! Fuck them! Yaaarrr! Right? And if you don't agree with me, well then screw you too! Divisive. Not for me.
Now, I will still watch some football. But I certainly am not engaged with it like I used to be. It is what it is, I am what I am. We don't need to define or identify with one another. Football will be fine without me and I'll be fine without it.

This is what's now. Hopefully, I'll be back soon.

No man is an island

That's me. Yelling at my ego. My ego is my favorite ball that I've named and told to "protect me from all the bad things in life." Well folks, the "bad things" aren't that bad and that ball has taken over my mind. It won't change. The ball is just a ball. It's just whether or not I believe the ball or not that has to change. 

Instead, I'm just going to sit here and yell at it for a while...

FUCK YOU BALL! 

We all know that we're interconnected. We all create our own realities. I am a man on an island all alone. But, my toes are in the sand, the sand is in the ocean, the ocean touches other shores, there are others on those shores and that shore is connected to land where even more people are. We all breathe the same air. We are all connected in spirit. We are never alone. Me, the sand, the air, the tree, the bird in the tree, the air, time, space... one thing. One creation. But inside me like some mad schizophrenic are two separate things: Me and my Ego. I know things. My ego tells me other things and convinces me of them. 

Right now my Ego is telling me that I am alone. Wholly alone. Rejected. Unworthy. Angry. All my efforts, all my time, all my energy towards trying to achieve happiness have led me once again to failure and being left wholly alone. I don't know where to go from here so I'm sitting here on my new island yelling at my Ego to stop lying to me. 

It's actually not too bad down here. There is a comforting feeling knowing that you can only go up from here. I can only feel better about this situation. I can only feel better about my self. There is no worse than this. Can't be. What sucks is I can't seem to get my Ego's foot off my throat long enough to breathe. What sucks is I can't seem to find an answer to the question of which direction to go. My island is surround by water. I'm trapped here with this Ego ball that keeps telling me I suck. 

Well if we're all interconnected and I can create my own reality, then the answer to the question of which way to go is: Anywhere. How? Anyway. I can walk on water. I can build a bridge. I can build a boat. I can swim. I can leave this island. Now... can I leave the Ego behind? Am I willing to stay off this island or will I want to let my Ego call me back here? 

When you're in a relationship you tend to eventually draw a sense of 'Self' from that relationship. I am a guy who ___. I ____. I like to _____ with my partner and she likes ____. She loves me, trusts me, she feels safe with me, she is comforted by me, wants me around because I am _____. Well what happens if she doesn't trust you? She doesn't want you around? Doesn't feel safe? Isn't comforted by you? Not necessarily because of something you've done but because of where she is or what she's going through. What if she feels trapped in your relationship? What does that mean? Does that change your definition of yourself? Are you not a guy who ____? Who is ____? And who likes to?____? Enter the Ego!!! You now have to look at your sense of Self! Who are YOU?

But long before the Ego will let you get to those questions you're going to have to deal with the fear that it wants you to choke on. Fear of rejection. Fear of separation. Fear of loneliness. Fear of being back on the island.

There are other options though. You can try seeing things differently. You can use forgiveness. You can go within. You can go to God. You can shift your perception. You can create a different narrative. It is a hard thing to admit that your yesterday's reality no longer exists. The people closest to you don't see you as you thought they did. You don't see you as you thought you did. None of that matters anymore. Today matters. Tomorrow can't matter yet because you haven't gotten there yet. Now. Only now. Work on now. Make a choice. Choose to source your reality in Love. Not fear. Not anger. Not rejection. Love. Your main problem is going to come only from this moment; this choice: Are you going to make a different choice than what you have in the past? Are you ready for that? If not, this island is going to stay lonely and there's going to be a long wait to get off of it. 

“The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.” 
― F. Scott Fitzgerald

Walking 0.01 Miles

"Don't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes."

We've all heard this. We've all said it to someone at some point. It's a cliche. It's also true. That's how sayings become cliche is they keep hitting you over the head with some truth until you lose the trees in the forest. You see there are really two parts to this phrase...

One, don't judge. That's "easy" enough. Good luck on your daily journey through your life without judging. Really, try that. Go a day without judging. I think the longest I made it was about 10 minutes. Now, I kept correcting and kept seeing other people and myself in different ways, but not judging; really hard. 

The second part here is walking a mile in his shoes. This is the part that I struggle with even more sometimes. This refers to something we call empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of others.

Whoa! Hold on. I have my shoes, you have yours right? My feet stink, your feet stink, let's not go around putting our feet in each others shoes OK? But what this is saying is simply, in order for you to share your thoughts, feelings, emotions, struggles, successes, and failures with me, you have to honestly believe that I am willing and able to understand those feelings with you. Willing. Easy enough. Love your neighbor, partner, brother, or whoever and you're more than likely willing to share in their feelings with them. That's part of love. Able. Weeeeeell this is where practice is required. 

Being able to empathize with someone means you have to have to ability to not only acknowledge your own emotions but relate those emotions to the experiences of others. What? You mean you hurt too? I feel sad. You feel sad too? You're confused about your emotions and your feelings? Me too! If only it were that simple. You see dear reader, the problem for me here comes in the first part of this equation. First, I must recognize and acknowledge those emotions within myself. Yes, I feel sad. Yes, I feel angry. Yes, I feel guilty. No, these things do not make me a terrible person. 

I can listen to CC all day long. Our foster dog can listen to her all day long. There isn't much of a difference there. The only thing that separates me from the dog (aside from my thumbs) is my ability to have a shared experience and to empathize with her. What I have to be able to do is to not only hear the words shes saying but to have the ability to feel the emotions shes saying them with. I have to feel what shes saying. 

Intimacy: Close familiarity, closeness. What is more familiar than seeing, hearing, and experiencing your own emotions in others? Empathy as a path to intimacy.

Don't judge yourself too harshly for the inverse or lack of empathy that you're used to. This will take practice. This will take self-examination and forgiveness. I am not cold. I am not unempathetic. I am a man who has yet to fully realize and acknowledge his own emotions so therefore I am unable to understand and share the feelings of others. Willingness here will come in the form of practice. Ability will come as a result of that practice. 

I am empathetic. I am willing to listen, to hear, to share, to understand. We are all here together. We are all having an experience. Today is the only part of that experience that matters. Don't throw on my shoes and go walk a mile. Just try them on and take a step. Start with that.