Elvis has not left the building (part one)

Take a deep breath in.

Let that breath go.

Simple as that.

Where does that breath go? Has it really left you? Didn't that air become a part of you, nourish you, fill you, and sustain you in that moment? It did. And now? What happened? Did the air that you invited into your life abandon you or did you release it and invite in the next breath and the next moment. Have you tried holding onto a breath? What happens? Your face turns purple, you chest burns, and your moment turns to hell really quickly. You can't hold on to a breath beyond its purpose, you have to move on, you have to release it and accept the next breath of life.

I've come to realize that people are like this. People come into your life like air. We are all breathing the same air, we are all connected to one another, and we are all dreaming together. Some people come into your life and are there for just a moment. The cashier at the store, the mailman, the coworker... these people come into your life and are there for just a moment. You can show them love, or you can ignore them, the choice is yours. But, you are connected to them and they will come and they will go, just like air and these choices and these lessons will repeat until you learn them and get the ultimate lesson of connection and love.

The problem comes when you see a breath of air as "special." What about this breath of air? They've been around for years, I really like this breath of air, this breath of air makes me feel loved, this certain breath of air makes me feel guilty, angry, obligated to it. How can I let this breath of air go? These are the people in your life that make up your special relationships. Family, friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, bosses, coworkers, neighbors, teachers... These are the people in your life that you put extra importance on and make "special." You assign them a role and expect them to preform that role for you.

"What is your brother for? You do not know, because your function is obscure to you. Do not ascribe a role to him that you imagine would bring happiness to you. And do not try to hurt him when he fails to take the part that you assigned to him..." ACIM

What does this tell us? One, you don't know what your role or path is in life. Two, you shouldn't assign roles to others in your life. Everyone is who they are, they are like you, they have their own fears and insecurities and love to give. It also tells us what we all already know; after we assign roles to these people we get angry with them when they fail to live up to the role that we assign them.

Take this out to the extreme... I want you dear reader to be a tightrope walker. Get up on a rope 100 feet in the air and walk across it. Go! Scared of heights? Not that great a balance? Never been on a rope before? Tough shit. Walk. I want a tightrope walker in my life. Can't do it? Don't want to? Well screw you! Get out of my life! Silly right?

Now let me shift this back to me. One of my biggest issues in life is abandonment. People "leave" me. I, like most of us, assign roles to those in my life and they do the same to me. When those roles break down, relationships end, and then we breathe out. However, one of my hang ups has always been the feeling of abandonment. I fail to take responsibility for my part in the assigning of roles either to myself or to the other party. And, when those relationships end, I feel abandoned. They left me! I'm alone! I'm the child in the corner crying with my knees pulled into my chest.

Take this out to the extreme... God has abandoned me! In these special relationships I have in the past assigned the role of savior, teacher, and supporter to those around me. Who but God do those adjectives describe? I made a lot of these "special" people in my life into shadow figures of God so when I find myself "alone" I feel abandoned by my "special" people and... God.

This year I've come to a couple of realizations. (A couple... Hahahaha!)
One of them is that my ego will find any outlet to place blame outside of myself. It's them not you. Get angry, feel guilty, get sad... you are alone, they have left you, you are not worthy of their love, you are not worthy of God's love.
Another realization that I've had is that it is me. I let the ego take me there and I started to believe in that and I let it shut me down, drive people away, reject love, and close off my ability to listen and give love. My ego assigned roles left and right and then stirred up anger when those roles were not fulfilled. When all of that happened, when I chose that, I then felt abandoned. Abandoned by love, people, and God. My ego won the day.

After a lot of thought and prayer dear reader I've come to another realization. God has not left the building. I may have tried to ignore God, but he never left. We all take our emotions to the end, to God. Anger? Who are you angry with? The guy with 15 items in the 10 or less aisle? Or what he represents to you?
If I assigned God rolls to those "special" people in my life and then feel abandoned by them, who am I really placing the blame on? God.
No more! The ego may have won the day in the past, but no more. I am no longer listening to that blaming, angry, guilty voice. I am no longer seeing those in my life as anything more than they present themselves in that moment. In that breath.

I recently had a test of this. I had a 'friend' come to town that I haven't seen in 6-7 years. We met up and went to dinner. I looked on him as he was that night as if I had forgotten all that I knew about him in the past and all that he knew about me. I presented myself as I was that night. Where I was, what I was thinking and how I was feeling. I asked him questions and listened and learned from his answers. At the end of the night, when I got home I realized that I was relaxed and refreshed. I wasn't exhausted from playing a role and assigning a role to this person. Just a breath in, and a breath out.

This was a small event. This was a huge event. Part of my abandonment problem is making people "special", dragging along my past and theirs, and holding onto assigned roles. No more. In my work I've come to the realization that my feelings of abandonment stem from me; not others. I used to take that to the extreme and cast that abandonment onto God. No more.

So dear reader, I will cut this here. Here you've only seen a glimpse at how deep this goes with me. A set up of just a part of the work that I'm doing on this issue. I am done with restricting, holding back, and hiding. I am not abandoned. I am never alone. So 'What's Now?' This. And, after I do some more work, more forgiveness on this issue I will report back on where I'm going from here. Hint: Love, acceptance, forgiveness, and healing.

Until then... breathe in, breathe out. In that moment: Be with me, Be with God, Be in the moment and Be in Love. None of us are alone. We are not abandoned.