Just Be You

I remember as a child I liked to pretend that I was a waiter. Weird I know, most kids wanted to be firefighters or cops; I wanted to pretend that I was a waiter at a fancy restaurant. My grandparents and mom would sit at the dinner or breakfast table and I'd take their 'orders' and get their drinks while my grandmother finished up cooking. Spoiler, we we're always out of stuff at my restaurant and only had the daily 'special' of whatever my Memaw was cooking. However, people had their choice of whether they'd like their peas on or on the side of their mashed potatoes. I'd write it all down and then demand that the kitchen fill those orders to the letter as I filled tea glasses and waters.

Kids do that. They pretend to be something bigger than they are and for kids it's something creative and fun, a way to feel important. But what happens when you grow up? What are you pretending to be then? What story do you create and tell yourself, 'this is who I am.'? Are you stoic? Compassionate? Generous? Tough? Manly? This is just who I am... or people like me... or that's just how people act, are just statement of fantasy. They aren't real.

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Hold on dear reader, I'm about to flex some hubris and disagree with fucking Emerson here. His quote should have been, 'To be yourself is the greatest accomplishment.' Because, the world isn't doing a damn thing to you. It's just you.

Think of a social situation you've been in, hell think back to High School if that helps. That petri dish of hormones and cultural discovery that was High School. How many times did you find yourself doing something that you knew wasn't right or acting a certain way to impress others? Or, doing the exact opposite just to prove you weren't? What if you could have stopped and just taken time to figure out what you wanted to do or who you wanted to really be... what would that have been like?

(Side note: If you are so inclined, look up an old High School teacher that made an impact on you and write them a note to say thank you. I just did and it was awesome. Those people are heroes. Thank you Mr. Freeman!)

Guess what? You can do that now. In this moment you can stop trying to be something, stop trying to fight something and just surrender to what you want to be. Just be your natural self all the time.

I've found myself in so many situations in my life where I've put on a face or played a role to "appear" to be something that I'm not. Truly living my life as something that I wasn't. Why? Why do that? For me at least it was a sense that people would reject me if they knew what I was. I would reject me if I admitted what I was really feeling. God would reject me and I would be judged as unworthy or unlovable. I would be unforgivable. I would be alone. I felt a need to suffer to prove to myself that I was just a man fighting to stay "sane" in an insane world. I had to suffer because what else was my world made of? It wasn't love that's for sure right? I had to be walled off to protect myself right? Suffer and fight. That was the world that I created to tell myself how unworthy I was. I had to pretend to be that person. I had to convince myself that I was unworthy.

But what if that isn't true? How awesome would it be if you just went out into the world and acted truly natural all the time? Your natural state of being; being a loving, open and honest person. Part of my growth in understanding over the past year or so has been just that. This is who I am! This starts with understanding exactly what that is. I had to spend some time learning what that means. Who am I? is a deep fucking question. The elimination of fear and guilt is a tough process. And it is just that; a process. There isn't a day that goes by now that I'm not faced with some form of fear or guilt that needs to be looked at. A lot of that is based in the past. Oh man, I can't believe I used to... I can't believe I... I said... I believed... but what if... ???

Two things that keep me on this path are love and presence. The love of God, love of myself, love of others and the development of the ability to recognize the moment. There is also a drive towards acceptance of those things. Accepting love and accepting that I have the ability to let go of the past and in the present moment make a different choice, or better stated, allow a different choice to be made for me. The ability to get out of my own way and just allow.

I used to have a saying, 'This is who I am. Take it or leave it.' But back then I didn't know who I was and that was just a way of saying to people, 'don't look at who I really am because I'm afraid to open up to you and I'd prefer it if you didn't challenge me on this.' Today however that statement would have a totally different meaning and context. I'm on a path of self discovery and self awareness. I am only seeking truth, real love, and the peace that comes with that. If you'd like to take my hand and walk with me I think we could really grow with one another. If not, that's ok. I'm still going to walk this path. I'm still going to be authentic and honest and I'm still going to express the love that is constantly growing in me. I'm still going to ask for help from my creator and from you. I'm just going to be me in each and every situation and in each and every moment. I'm not going to pretend to be anything else. I can't. That path leads to fear, guilt, pain, and separation from myself, you, and God.

I'll stop this post on one final note that has been a real help to me.
It's ok to shift and change. You can make that choice today. You can go out and look at the world the way you want it to be; the way it was intended to be. You can be you, the real you and you can do that now. You can stop putting up with toxic relationships, fearful mindsets, and painful realities. It's ok. It's ok. It's ok.
You have the ability to be you. You have the ability to love and be loved. Peace of mind comes with changing the mind. Change your mind and change your world. Just be you.

Until next time dear reader... I'm just going to be me.