I ran across this the other day and thought I might post it. This was from the Fall/Winter of 2004, my first year in K-Stan. It got a lot of laughs and I thought since it was Winter, I would give it another run. So, without further delay...
AJ’s Rules for Surviving a Subzero Outhouse:
(All of these were learned by me through personal experience and over the course of four months of using a subzero outhouse)
Rule 1: Get dressed as normal. Hat, coat, two pairs of socks, boots, gloves etc.
Rule 2: DON’T, DO NOT, DO NOT forget the toilet paper. (No you can not leave it out there even in a plastic bag, it will freeze.)
Rule 2.5: If night time, take a flashlight. There is no light out there. Don’t take a
book or magazine at any time, you won’t want to be out there that long.
Rule 3: Take a deep breath, exit the house and move quickly to the outhouse some 30 yards away.
Rule 4: Use small broom to sweep away any snow from the floor so as to prevent slipping.
Rule 5: Pull the door closed, but NOT ALL THE WAY. Yes, your breath will cause enough moisture to freeze the door closed and will require you to have to pry it open and cost you more time outside in the cold.
Rule 6: Remove coat and hang on wall. Remove one glove. Keep hat on. (Why only one glove? Look, you only need one hand free to do this and if you have to balance yourself with the other, you don’t want that hand to freeze to whatever it is that you’re grabbing. Who cares if you look like Michael Jackson for a second or two, just do it!)
Rule 7: Pull down pants and get on with it. (Note: at this point you have about 3 to 5 minutes before things start to go wrong and you need to go inside finished or not)
Rule 8: Finish what you have to do as fast as possible. Things will freeze whether you’re done with them or not. And yes, the smell is still bad no matter what the temperature.
Rule 9: When done, make sure you are DONE! You don’t want to have to come back out here again.
Rule 10: Get dressed fast! At this point you are numb from the waist down and it is hard to walk. Put on coat.
Rule 11: Don’t put on the other glove! That hand is already numb and of little use to you and you’ll need to wear that glove again later.
Rule 12: DON’T forget the toilet paper! It will just be frozen when you get back out here the next time.
Rule 13: Go to house quickly and wash hands in cold water. Hot water hurts at this point.
(All of these were learned by me through personal experience and over the course of four months of using a subzero outhouse)
Rule 1: Get dressed as normal. Hat, coat, two pairs of socks, boots, gloves etc.
Rule 2: DON’T, DO NOT, DO NOT forget the toilet paper. (No you can not leave it out there even in a plastic bag, it will freeze.)
Rule 2.5: If night time, take a flashlight. There is no light out there. Don’t take a
book or magazine at any time, you won’t want to be out there that long.Rule 3: Take a deep breath, exit the house and move quickly to the outhouse some 30 yards away.
Rule 4: Use small broom to sweep away any snow from the floor so as to prevent slipping.
Rule 5: Pull the door closed, but NOT ALL THE WAY. Yes, your breath will cause enough moisture to freeze the door closed and will require you to have to pry it open and cost you more time outside in the cold.
Rule 6: Remove coat and hang on wall. Remove one glove. Keep hat on. (Why only one glove? Look, you only need one hand free to do this and if you have to balance yourself with the other, you don’t want that hand to freeze to whatever it is that you’re grabbing. Who cares if you look like Michael Jackson for a second or two, just do it!)
Rule 7: Pull down pants and get on with it. (Note: at this point you have about 3 to 5 minutes before things start to go wrong and you need to go inside finished or not)
Rule 8: Finish what you have to do as fast as possible. Things will freeze whether you’re done with them or not. And yes, the smell is still bad no matter what the temperature.
Rule 9: When done, make sure you are DONE! You don’t want to have to come back out here again.
Rule 10: Get dressed fast! At this point you are numb from the waist down and it is hard to walk. Put on coat.
Rule 11: Don’t put on the other glove! That hand is already numb and of little use to you and you’ll need to wear that glove again later.
Rule 12: DON’T forget the toilet paper! It will just be frozen when you get back out here the next time.
Rule 13: Go to house quickly and wash hands in cold water. Hot water hurts at this point.
Rule 14: Sit in warm spot. If you have a radiator in the house this is where you will want to be for the next 10-15 minutes of your life.
If you remember to follow all of these rules every single time… you’ll survive a subzero outhouse. Otherwise… things could go wrong and the humor could ware off.
3 comments:
While I haven't defecated na ylitsa in quite some time (maybe once in the past couple years) I did go ice skating the other day. It was at a park next to my apartment, outdoors. Last week when I was riding my bike around town, I got the frozen beard from exhaling. Man, it might be vain, but I love having frozen water vapor on my beard. It makes me feel like I'm living. Ta ta for now.
Did I just type ylitsa. I meant ulitsa.
I'm glad you came back with the correction there. I was wondering what the hell you were doing out there. Ah the ice beard. The memories. That my firend is why I live in the South. But, much love to the ice beard all the same.
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