Culture is weird

So I’m through two weeks of school now and all is still as good as it can be. My 9th grade class is horrible. A full 50% of them don’t even know the alphabet. So, I decided to have a talk with my director and we decided to abandon the text book and just try to get them to learn something. I started with the question words and moved on to ‘If/Then’ clauses by Friday. If that works out, then we’ll see if I can move on from there or go farther back and start at “This is a book.”

Anyway, school was not the most interesting thing that happened this past week. On Saturday, my two older host brothers and one of their friends over lunch tell me that I’m to accompany them after lunch for a bride napping. I was hesitant at this proposal because that’s not exactly how I had planned on spending my Saturday afternoon. But, when in Rome… I was just hopping that I wouldn’t actually have to take part in this strange cultural tradition.

After lunch all four of us got in the car and headed for the next village over where I was told that the boy and girl were on their way. Much to my relief there were other cars from Muganlo there with us to help “greet” the new couple and help usher them back to their new home. Also this meant that the napping had already taken place and that we were just going to a welcoming party at the groom’s place. While we were waiting, it gave me plenty of time to ask all the questions I should have asked before agreeing to go on such a trip.

In the old days (I’m still not clear on when the old days were but I’m thinking it couldn’t have been more than 20 years ago) people would actually go to homes and kidnap girls and take them off for a few days and force them to marry some boy. This was generally prompted by the village elders and wasn’t very pleasant for the girl or her family. Now however the kidnapping is more ceremonial (most of the time). Basically a guy will see a girl he likes and then test the waters by talking to either her brothers or uncles. If her family is in agreement, then he and a brother or cousin will go and kidnap her one afternoon and take her away to another relative’s home for a few days in another town. The girl is given time to pack a bag sometimes or someone will bring her things later. (I’m not exactly clear on that part, but it’s not important, she gets her stuff somehow). The point is the girl is happy about it and goes and sits in the car herself; she’s not forced.

Anyway, this is where I entered the process. We’re all in these cars and when they come around the corner, we all start honking horns and flashing lights and get in line behind the bride and groom and follow them to his parents’ house. Everyone from the village comes out of their homes to wave and greet the new couple. Once we got there, the bride is greeted by her new family and the groom’s friends. It was only at this point that I realized that I actually knew the guy and the girl is one of my neighbors that I met once. She seemed fairly happy about the whole situation, so I felt certain that this had all been arranged before the actual kidnapping. We all had a big party with lots of food, wine, music and dancing; men and women at different tables on opposite ends of the courtyard of course. This is also where I discovered the significance of all his male friends being there. In the old days they would be there in case the girl’s family tried to come and take her back. I was glad to see that no such party arrived and we weren’t forced to defend what “we” had taken.

I had a chance during the meal to question the groom as to when the wedding would be and he said it won’t take place till her father returns from Moscow in three months. So this party was more or less an engagement party of sorts and the actual wedding won’t be until sometime this winter. Whether she returns to her house or stays with his family I’m not too sure of either yet. And whether the father is at all happy about this I also have no idea. My bet is, he’s aware and has no problem with it.

Anyway, the whole process is very strange to me because there are these happy bride napping occasions and there are still some forced bride napping incidents that take place. But, from what I’ve gathered those are fewer and fewer at least here in Muganlo. This is also one of the cultural ticks that worries me because to the people here it’s just everyday life. My host-brother told me, “Yeah, you see a girl you like, we’ll go get her for you.” I told him I’d take a pass on that one. Since these girls are pretty much locked up at home after age 15, how do these people even know who it is that they’re going to get? They just go purely on what she looks like and her family’s status. Family status is also important. A well off family would never let their daughter be taken by a family with an extremely lower status. But the fact that if someone wants to forcibly take a girl and cart her off for a few days while the families negotiate the marriage is just strange. And, worse it’s not frowned upon. My host-brother was serious and genuine in his offer to me. He even said he has taken part in more than a few including snagging a girl for my cousin that lives in Baku. “Yeah, I was driving the car!” Ahhh Muganlo.

But then on a sadder note, on Tuesday while I was off in another city at a PC meeting when during a class break one of my 11th grade students was bride napped by the brother of my host sister-in-law. This was not one of those happy ones either. Apparently, the negotiations that precede a happy napping did not go in his favor. He was told by the girl’s parents that he would have to wait till she graduated next year. But, even without his own parent’s permission he went ahead and forced this girl into his car and took her off. I don’t know the status beyond that but even his family is helping the police to try and locate the two of them.

The only other news worth reporting is that my two dogs ran away this past week. Nobody even noticed until I brought it to their attention. At that point my host-father and two of my host-brothers looked for them in the yard for about five minutes before deciding that yes in fact they had run away. Now in America if your dog runs away you’d show some kind of remorse or sorrow at their loss. Not here. My host-father said in a very calm dismissive voice, “Eh. They were old dogs. We’ll get new ones. Let’s go eat.”