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Charleston, SC, United States
"Fear is a stranger to the ways of love. Identify with fear, and you will be a stranger to yourself." -ACIM

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

What if that's me?

I grew up watching more than a few action films. John Wayne pictures and such. Real men, doing real things, acting real tough. Tough guys said tough things. Tough guys didn't take shit off nobody. Real men wore leather, had guns, knew how to throw a punch, and always looked around when they entered a room. They went to sleep with whisky on the bedside table and they never let anyone see them cry. They probably never cried anyway. Real men. Doing real shit! Hell yeah! I should write a screenplay. 

So of course I grew up wanting to be a member of the A-Team one day. I would be hangin' with Mr. T, He-Man, and Rambo all in the same weekend. I was going to be a tough guy! Genetics had a part in holding me back from the rippled muscles of my heroes but my environment or "the real world" did even more to destroy boyhood fantasies. What do you mean I can't wear a sword to work? Ugh. So being in the woods for months and shooting exploding arrows... not ok in the suburbs you say? Can I at least get in a fist fight on the weekends at the Roadhouse? You go to jail for that? This stinks! John Wayne would not like this at all. 

I know I had thought about writing about something else this post, but this week I came face to face with a strong dose of reality of what and where I am. I am not John Wayne. I do not (thankfully) have the ability to act tough and be tougher no matter what and never let anyone else know otherwise. I did however find that I have the ability to experience what CC characterized as nervous breakdown of sorts. My heart was beating abnormally, I was shivering, felt like things were closing in on me... some scary and powerful stuff. I felt like I was going to puke and pass out all at the same time. It was awful! 

The whole time it was starting and during the first part of "the episode" I just kept trying to fight it. And I do mean fighting it. This isn't who I am. This isn't me. This isn't something that I want. This is wrong. I can't feel this. I can't be the type of person who has this sort of thing happen to them! This. Isn't. Me.
Why not? Why can't it be? It sure looks like it is. Because there you are sitting there shivering and sweating and scared out of your mind. So it sure looks like you're "the type." 

Thankfully CC was there. She didn't rush to my aid with a cold compress and tell me everything was going to be ok, because she knew that's not what I needed. She did talk me through it a bit and help me realize what was going on in the moment by asking me some questions and letting me stream my thoughts a bit. She then told me to write it all down and see that happens. And, I did. I ended up going into our bedroom and writing a very short story based on the images that were streaming through my mind. (I won't be sharing that story here however. Sorry some things I keep to myself and CC). In the end, I wrote down some questions that I needed to ask myself and CC to see where I was and what was really going on with me. Those questions led to some tough truths and they also led me to an intimate conversation with my partner about where we are right now and how each of us sees certain things from both the past and present. 

Can I accept that I'm not one of the heroes that I grew up watching? Sounds silly doesn't it? But really even though you know that you can't leap tall buildings, you somewhere still believe that you're a tough guy. You don't feel emotional pain. You don't get nervous. You don't get panicked. But what if you do? What if you're not the hero but the guy who needs saving? I'm not trying to turn this into a Lifetime movie where the quiet dad is heroic because he gets up and goes to work here. What I'm getting at is that the heroic action may just be in acceptance. 

Accept where you are. If right now you're tired. Be tired. If you're angry. Be angry. If you're nervous and confused, figure it out but be ok with the fact that you're nervous and confused. I was angry all day today. Could not shake it. Woke up that way and just damn well didn't feel like getting over it. Now I have a massive head ache and probably know why. But I was just pissy today. 
The other night I needed to wake up to the fact that I can't fight off what's coming up from the depths of my psyche and surfacing in the physical. I need to be where I am in the moment and I need to find out what that moment is trying to teach me. It doesn't always have to be a bad experience if you're learning something from it. 

Be willing to question what you're holding onto. Are you being a tough guy because that's what you learned was the right thing to do? How has that worked for you? How has being emotionally withdrawn and closed off worked for you? You (me) are sitting on your couch shivering and afraid, so how's that working out for you? 

Are you willing to see things differently? I try to get CC to ask me that when I'm either being stubborn or being angry or being judgmental about something. 'Would you like to see that differently?' Sounds pretty shitty the first few times you hear it. But it really works. It works if you say 'yes I would' and then you are actually willing to listen. 
Being a tough guy is not something I aspire to be anymore. I don't want to be 'tough.' I want to be open to new thought processes, new ways of seeing things, and new emotions and ways to express them. I want to be honest and intimate with my partner and I want that to be part of my daily life. I want to learn from my experiences, not run from them or try to fight them off just because they aren't that pleasant. 

"Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at Midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday." -John Wayne

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