New world of forgiveness

This morning I felt like Scrooge McDuck as I ran outside to greet the world on Christmas morning. Except outside my apartment there was only a little redneck kid for me to shout at.

- You there boy! What day is it?
- Uh, it's college football Saturday there man.
- Then I haven't missed it! The Spirits! They've given me; a second chance!
- Whatever you say there Bubba. Ya might want to put some pants on though. Go Cocks (spit).

Now dear reader I might not have actually done this, but it certainly felt like it. I didn't cry myself to sleep last night, I laughed myself to sleep. I was literally hugging my mattress as I laughed and smiled over this new light feeling in my life. Why? Forgiveness. True forgiveness.

Have you ever been angry enough at someone or something in your life to portray it as betrayal? Betrayal. That's a big term with a lot of meaning behind it. I mean betrayal, like the kind of thing where you think so poorly of someone that you are almost in shock over how this action has affected you and your outlook on life. You call them names, you point fingers, you stomp your feet, you damn them, their friends, their dog! It's a dark place filled with anger, resentment, and fear. A place where it's tough to recover from right? That's what I thought too, but true forgiveness can erase it all.

Bare with me as I paint a picture for you. Imagine that you wake up and your house is surrounded by manure. Just shit everywhere. Gross right? Your life is deep in shit. Traditional forgiveness will shovel this shit over into a corner of your yard to get it away from the house so you can walk around, and live a normal life again. But, the wind will still blow some smell your way and the shit is still there, it's just over in the corner of the yard. You say all is 'forgiven' and you're ok. But, there's still shit over there and you can see it out of the corner of your eye.
True forgiveness is a truck. You dig up ever scrap of angry, resentful, fearful shit into a giant pile in your yard then just look at it. You look at this pile of shit for what it is and realize that its your shit. Gross! The true forgiveness truck is there for you though. So, you take your poo and shovel it into the truck; every last piece. You wash off the shovel and throw it into the truck too, then your boots, then your clothes. Then, the truck drives away. There is no more shit and you're just standing in the sun, clean, smiling, and whole.

That was me yesterday. I woke up so angry, so resentful over a perceived betrayal in my life. But all the anger was mine, all the fear was mine. The shit was mine! So I sat down and started to shovel it all up. At first it wasn't helping. I was getting angrier and more resentful. I was getting to a point where I was starting to defend myself again and point to where I was right and this person who betrayed me was so wrong. I kept piling it up, kept digging, and when the mountain of poo was so high I couldn't see over it anymore... the truck drove up.

Call the driver of that truck God. Call him the Holy Spirit. Call him whatever you wish, but know that I wasn't the driver of the truck, I was the guy waist deep in his own shit. And when the driver said, 'Hey! I'd like to take that shit off your hands.' I started shoveling it all into the truck. By the end of the day I was clean. By the time I got home from work and sat down to relax I was clean. When I went to bed, my ego came to me looking for shit and I literally started laughing. I went looking for anger, went looking for resentment, went looking for something outside myself, inside myself, anywhere to find some anger, some guilt, some fear... it. wasn't. there!

I (despite my poetic writing and expression) am unable to describe the lightness that came with the laughter that followed. Gratitude followed because I knew I had not shoveled all that shit myself. I had not driven the truck out of my yard.

Know this dear reader: In order to forgive you must truly forgive and give over your own emotions. You can not hang on to a single bit of resentment or anger. You must look upon the object, emotion, or person you are forgiving as well as yourself as being clean, bright, shining and new. The past is gone, never to return. The object of your forgiveness doesn't need to ask for it. They may not even have done anything wrong! Realize this: It could just be you! Admit that to yourself and get rid of your need to be right. Why would it matter? Whether they did, didn't, wanted to, whatever... it doesn't matter because you're surrounded by shit either way. So grab a shovel and start forgiving.

I always wanted to feel like Scrooge on that Christmas morning because he seemed so new to himself and his world seemed so new to him. Now I know how he felt. Nothing from yesterday exists today. I am able to go forward with only new experiences not dragging past with me.

Now! I know that I have promised to continue my posts on abandonment, but today, I can't find that. You can't feel abandoned when you feel full. So, go out today and dig up some shit. I promise you, if you give it all over, you'll live in a whole new world.